Newsletter and Grammar Coach

Pop quiz! Sharpen your red pencil, as well as your editing skills. We selected a few paragraphs that need some tender loving care to resolve grammatical and punctuation errors, improve clarity and make them more succinct by converting passive voice to active voice constructions. When reviewing this text, also look for opportunities to replace overused, vague and ambiguous jargon with more vibrant and precise terms, and to use concise verbs instead of phrasal verbs.

Editors should make revisions to improve clarity and readability, while preserving the writer’s style to the extent possible. These paragraphs are derived from an actual article written for a trade and consumer magazine (not an academic journal) that we encountered. (We intentionally changed the names of people, companies and counties.) See how many flaws you can find and fix.

Segment 1

Original (121 words):

Raising cotton for seed is nothing new in the Sacramento Valley, according to Charlie Wooster, gin manager of Cooper Valley Gin in Warren County. Bill Hawks, a cotton grower in the county, said, the cotton seed market has turned into a decent market for growers. What they’re finding is that northern California in the last four years, they’ve never had lost a seed crop.

 

“But they’ve taken pretty big hits in the cotton belt, like in Texas,” Hawks said. “What it’s done is, it’s let us pick up a premium depending on the variety.”

 

Flint McCullough, California field production manager for Stevenson Pedigreed Seed Co., said, “California is probably one of the best states in the union for growing cotton seed.”

 

Our critique:

Lead sentences should entice readers with an intellectually or emotionally captivating statement. The lead sentence of this article is limp, unexciting, and offers little of value for readers. Furthermore, the unnecessary attribution wastes space; Charlie Wooster can be introduced later in the article. The comma after “said” should be deleted, the adjective “decent” is vague in this context, and the concluding sentence in the first paragraph is ungrammatical and wordy. The single-word verb “become” can be exchanged for the phrasal verb “turned into.” Because the word “last” connotes finality, the phrase “the last four years” should be replaced with “the past four years” to express the intended thought. The writer should have trimmed Hawks’ halting quote (“What it’s done is, it’s let us…”), and the context for Flint McCullough’s quote benefited from modest editing to remove superfluous words.

 

Our revised version (106 words):

The business of raising cotton for seed, which is faltering in Texas and other Southern “cotton belt” states, is thriving in the Sacramento Valley. Warren County cotton grower Bill Hawks said cotton seed production has become a viable market for California growers. During the past four years, no Northern California grower reported loss of a seed crop.

 

“But they’ve taken pretty big hits in Texas, in the cotton belt,” Hawks said. “It’s let us pick up a premium, depending on the variety.”

 

Flint McCullough, California field production manager for Stevenson Pedigreed Seed Co., described California as “probably one of the best states” for growing cotton seed.

 

Segment 2

Original (147 words):

Growers are given incentives to plant cotton for seed, Wooster said. “Sometimes the seed companies will give you your planting seed at the beginning of the year. Some of the things on the downside of it I see, sometimes there are varieties that you haven’t grown before, so it’s your first time with them,” Wooster said, adding the grower may not know if the variety will grow well in this climate.

 

Cotton for seed and cotton for lint are grown exactly the same, Wooster said. “The precautions you have to take are it has to be on ground that’s clean. You can’t have a bunch of volunteer cotton coming up.”

 

There are many sites growing the new Flex varieties for seed this year.  They are gaining popularity as glyphosate can be used a month and a half later than previous varieties without hurting the crop, Hawks said.

 

Our critique:

Writers shouldn’t feel obligated to include verbose, rambling quotes verbatim; paraphrasing does a service to readers as well as to the cited source. Replacement of wordy phrases with single-word equivalents — such as changing “exactly the same” to “identically”— helps streamline the article. Terms that may be unfamiliar to some readers, such as “cotton for lint,” require explanation. Also supersede wordy passive voice structures (such as “There are many sites growing the new Flex varieties”) with the more concise active voice approach while clearly stating that farmers, not sites, grow crops (“Farmers in numerous locales are growing the new Flex varieties”). Although the conjunction “as” can be used to indicate causation, it is ambiguous because it more strongly connotes concurrent action — something occurring at the same time as another action; the conjunction “because” is more specific. Consequently, we replaced “They are gaining popularity as glyphosate can be used…” with “They are gaining popularity because glyphosate can be used.”

 

Our revised version (139 words):

Some seed companies give supplies to farmers to encourage them to raise cotton for seed. Samples may include varieties that farmers haven’t grown before or that are suitable for only certain climates, noted Charlie Wooster, cotton gin manager of Cooper Valley Gin in Warren County.

 

Observing that cotton for seed and cotton for lint — fiber for making cloth — are grown identically, he advises removing residue of prior crops from the soil before planting new seed. Growers must clean their equipment, including the picker, module builder and module movers, before seeding. “You can’t have a bunch of volunteer cotton coming up,” Wooster said.

 

Farmers in numerous locales are growing new Flex varieties for seed this year. These varieties are gaining popularity because they permit application of glyphosate herbicide six weeks later than previous varieties tolerated without sustaining damage, Hawks said.

 

Segment 3

Original (187 words):

Seth Adams, field crop advisor for Warren, Gabriel and Renner counties, has been doing variety evaluation research for the last 10 years. “This year we’re looking at 16 different varieties,” he said, adding the results aren’t available until January or February.

 

“We tested a couple of the Acala varieties that are newer ones and they did very well, so it’s kind of a big turn around for them. We’re not sure if that’s kind of an unusual occurrence or if these varieties are better adapted to the area, so that’s part of why we’re testing several Acala’s in those 16 varieties this year,” Adams said.

 

Research will continue, Adams said. “It’s real important with the variety situation changing so quickly in cotton. This is real important information for growers to have the best varieties to grow,” Adams said.

 

Hawks anticipates seed acreage in the Sacramento Valley will continue to increase. Raising cotton for seed is a good option, Wooster said. “It’s a way to pick up a little bit more money, and like I say, there’s nothing special about it. It’s always been a quiet little deal.”

 

Our critique:

Publication of the article was scheduled for early summer, so the reference to “January or February” must be expressed in future rather than present tense. We deleted a few extraneous words from one of Adams’ statements, and we replaced the incorrect possessive “Acala’s” with the intended plural “Acalas.” We also pruned the needlessly wordy sentence “Hawks anticipates seed acreage in the Sacramento Valley will continue to increase.”

 

Our revised version (150 words):

Seth Adams, field crop advisor for Warren, Gabriel and Renner counties, has been performing variety evaluation research for 10 years. “This year we’re looking at 16 varieties,” he said, adding that results of his studies will be available in January or February.

 

“We tested a couple of the Acala varieties that are newer and they did very well,” Adams said. “We’re not sure if that’s an unusual occurrence or if these varieties are better adapted to the area. That’s part of why we’re testing several Acalas in those 16 varieties.”

 

Research will continue. “It’s real important, with the variety situation changing so quickly in cotton, for growers to [know which are] the best varieties to grow,” Adams said.

 

Hawks anticipates continued increases in Sacramento Valley seed acreage. Raising cotton for seed is a viable approach for growers, Wooster said. “It’s a way to pick up a little bit more money.”

The three original passages totaled 455 words, but editing trimmed it by 60 words, resulting in revised text consisting of only 395 words. Reading shouldn’t be wearisome. Keeping text as succinct, as intelligible and as unambiguous as possible is a mark of respect for busy readers.

University of Notre Dame alumna Britt Crennell, a lawyer, adjunct professor and mother with a teaching degree in early education, became increasingly concerned about the decline in civics curricula in elementary schools. “It's so important to teach our children their duties as citizens and how they can contribute to their community,” Britt said. "With everything that has transpired over the past two years, I felt a need for a funny, educational book series that introduces basic civics, empowers children, encourages civic-mindedness, and instills in the young reader a sense of pride in county.”

Consequently she enlisted two illustrators, Laura Catrinella and Michelle Christabella, to work with her in creating StarKids in America: Book One, a 112-page book with an accompanying 70-page workbook for students and teachers. She turned to EditPros’ BookPrep service to help her publish the two companion books.

The StarKids are four friends from diverse backgrounds who race against time to solve America's greatest mystery: the stars have vanished from every American flag, and no one knows why. After discovering a magic flag, the kids set out to search for clues and rebuild Old Glory one star at a time. By tagging a flag, the StarKids are magically teleported to rural areas, cities, historical sites, and obscure places where they encounter fascinating people, historic figures, and fantastical creatures from folk tales and urban legends.

On these adventures, the StarKids contend with a grumpy and quirky bald eagle named Lucy, who is supposed to help the holder of the magic flag search for clues — yet seems determined to derail them. Eventually, they discover that the clues are the core virtues of this country and that the first letter of each clue spells the inscription on the Liberty Bell: Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof. With the mystery solved, the StarKids watch proudly as each star returns to America's flags. In the workbook, the characters from the book “create” the activities and questions, and communicate with each student who completes the exercises.

“The books introduce children to civics, important historical documents, American history and also align with Common Core State Standards for English Language Arts (fourth and fifth grade),” Britt explained. She plans to develop additional books in the series.

Published in paperback, the StarKids in America: Book One set brings to 42 the total number of titles that BookPrep has produced for authors during the past six years. As part of the BookPrep package, EditPros professionally formatted the cover and interior pages of the two StarKids in America books and readied them for print publication.

With BookPrep, authors retain all rights to their books, and collect 100 percent of sales royalties.

We invite you to LEARN MORE about the EditPros BookPrep service.

Carl N. wrote:

The grammar coach replies:

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